TODAY WAS DAY THREE OF LIVE
TELEVISED TESTIMONY IN THE IMPEACHMENT INVESTIGATION
AGAINST PRESIDENT TRUMP. I WATCHED IT. AND HONESTLY, I REALLY HOPE THIS
DOESN’T GET PICKED UP FOR ANOTHER SEASON. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS A LONG, DEVASTATING DAY OF TESTIMONY WITH FOUR CREDIBLE
WITNESSES. AND YOU KNOW IT WASN’T GOING
WELL FOR THE PRESIDENT WHEN THE REPUBLICANS WERE LIKE, “SHOULD
WE REALLY ALL BE PACKED IN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF FLU SEASON? ( LAUGHTER )
I’M JUST TRYING TO KEEP US HEALTHY.” BUT THE HEARING GOT OFF TO A
ROCKY START WHEN THE FIRST WITNESS WAS QUESTIONED BY
REPUBLICAN DEVIN NUNES. TAKE A LOOK.>>MR. VINDMAN, YOU TESTIFIED IN
YOUR DEPOSITION THAT YOU DID NOT KNOW THE WHISTLEBLOWER.>>LIEUTENANT COLONEL VINDMAN,
PLEASE.>>James: LIEUTENANT COLONEL
VINDMAN. I MEAN, WE NEED AN ARMY MEDIC
BECAUSE NUNES GOT SEVERELY BURNED. IT MAKES SENSE THAT NUNES FORGOT
VINDMAN’S RANK. IT’S NOT LIKE THERE WAS A NAME
CARD SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM OR ANYTHING. BUT LIEUTENANT COLONEL VINDMAN’S
RIGHT. WHEN YOU’VE EARNED AN HONORABLE
TITLE, OTHERS SHOULD ADDRESS YOU WITH IT. YOU WOULD NEVER CALL “SIR
MIXALOT” JUST “MR. MIXALOT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S DISRESPECTFUL. BUT THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE
WEIRD WHEN DEMOCRAT PETER WELCH STARTED TALKING ABOUT TRUMP’S
REQUEST TO INVESTIGATE THE BIDENS.>>AND, YOU KNOW, I’LL SAY THIS
TO PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU WANT TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN, YOU WANT
TO INVESTIGATE HUNTER BIDEN, GO AT IT, DO IT, DO IT HARD, DO IT
DIRTY, DO IT THE WAY YOU DO DO IT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>James: WHOO! BANG ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR GAVELS,
DADDY! ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GET WHAT HE’S TRYING TO SAY
BUT NOBODY WANTED THE MENTAL PICTURE OF DONALD TRUMP “DOING
IT HARD, AND DOING IT DIRTY.” ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE HASN’T BEEN WATCHING THE
HEARINGS, BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP HIM FROM WEIGHING IN TODAY. HE HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT
CHAIRMAN ADAM SCHIFF’S COMMITTEE HEARINGS.>>BREAK DOWN, YOU HAVE A
KANGAROO COURT HEADED BY LITTLE SHIFTY SCHIFF. WE DON’T HAVE WITNESSES, WE
DON’T HAVE ANYTHING.>>JAMES: WE DON’T HAVE TRUTH ON
OUR SIDE. WE DON’T HAVE A CREDIBLE
DEFENSE. WE DON’T HAVE AN EXPLANATION. WE DON’T HAVE MANY ALLIES LEFT. AND THE CAFETERIA IS OUT OF
THOSE CO TOOTHPICKS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE SWORDS. ( LAUGHTER )
HE CALLED ADAM SCHIFF “LIL’ SHIFTY SCHIFF.” IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE TRUMP’S
INSULT SKILLS GETTING SLOPPY? ( LAUGHTER )
IS HE LITTLE OR IS HE SHIFTY? OR IS HE JUST A LITTLE SHIFTY? PICK A LANE, DUDE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN ASKED ABOUT VINDMAN’S TESTIMONY, PRESIDENT TRUMP TRIED
TO MINIMIZE IT BY SAYING THIS:
>>JOINT VINDMAN, I NEVER HEARD OF HIM, I DON’T KNOW ANY OF
THESE PEOPLE.>>JAMES: THE PRESIDENT SAID, “I
DON’T KNOW ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
TO WHICH VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE WHISPERED, “I KNEW IT,”
AND WENT TO CRY SECRETLY IN A WHITE HOUSE RESTROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
SO NOW WE KNOW FOR SURE, TRUMP IS 100% THAT HORRIBLE BOSS WHO
NEVER BOTHERS TO LEARN ANYONE’S NAME. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, UH, I WANNA
SAY, DAVE? ( LAUGHTER )
RON? CHRIS? CHRISTIAN? ( APPLAUSE )
IT DOESN’T MATTER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS. SOUTH DAKOTA LAUNCHED A NEW
ANTI-METH ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN YESTERDAY, AND IT IMMEDIATELY
WENT VIRAL. SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHY. AGAIN, IT’S AN ANTI-METH
CAMPAIGN. THEIR SLOGAN IS, AND THIS IS
REAL, “METH. WE’RE ON IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
“METH, WE’RE ON IT.” NOTICE THAT THE SLOGAN HAS A
TRADEMARK NEXT TO IT. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH. YEAH, I DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO
WORRY ABOUT ANYONE STEALING THAT SLOGAN. ( LAUGHTER
BUT OTHER STATES HAVE BEEN INSPIRED BY THIS AND HAVE COME
UP WITH THEIR OWN SLOGANS. I’M NOT SURE HOW EFFECTIVE THEY
ARE. COLORADO’S NEW ANTI-DRUG SLOGAN
IS “COCAINE. WE LOVE FRESH POWDER.” ( LAUGHTER )
IDAHO’S TRYING TO FIGHT THE PROBLEM WITH THIS:
“L.S.D. THE POTATOES ARE CHASING ME!”
( LAUGHTER ) AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, FLORIDA
JUST CAME OUT WITH THIS: “DRUGS:
WE’RE ON ALL OF THEM.”